Bones, Rocks, Gold

So since you’ve been so warmhearted with other girls while pushing me away at the same time I’ve come to realize that no one really cares about my feelings, but that’s ok, really, it is. 

I don’t know if you’re trying to overcompensate or not but it leaves my wrists raw. 

 I’m being dragged down too, ya know. The sides are steep and the hole at the top is getting smaller as we dig deeper hopelessly searching for gold. But what if we don’t find it? Tell me what we’re going to do when we find rocks and animal bones hidden in a world we thought was ours. 

 My love, we cannot clear away all of the carcasses in our world-there are too many, there is no hope. Perhaps we’re both tricking ourselves with fools gold, hallucinations or day dreams. But either way this cloying affliction with your changing frame of mind has drained me void of any tenderness. 

 You’re wounded, I’m wounded. Together we barely make a whole, when you’re suffering I suffer too; that just isn’t fair. You’re concrete feet, you’re weighing me down, you’re too heavy and I am too weak. I simply cannot fend for the both of us.

It's all lies, darling

It is said that we tell on average 6 lies a day. Most of them white lies, I mean things like “your hair looks great”. It is to protect feelings of the ones we love.

But how often do you lie?  

What’s Your favorite movie?

Your natural hair colour?

Your shoe size?

Your relationship status?

Your dress size?

How much make up do you wear?

How many calories you eat?

How many times you check the scale?

When did you last purge?

When was the last time you cut, beautiful?

When did you last trace your bones that you adore oh so much?

When was the last time you laughed until you couldn't breathe?

Love, how happy are you?

I’m worried. 

Skinny Love

After posting this picture on instagram months ago with the quote "come on skinny love what happened here?"  One person scrolling (or stalking) through the hundreds of pictures that makes up my page I was asked how does my eating disorder relate to the song skinny love?

Well, Skinny Love is about a relationship falling apart, the love two people posses for each other has worn thin; it is skinny, emaciated. Like those in the later stages of anorexia nervosa, their love bodies are raw boned and feeble. 

Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Many are lucky if they "just last the year". I think that perhaps this is the most devastating link between a tragic love song and an equally tragic illness. That people, us, are purposefully committing suicide over months, years and even decades just because we can’t see anything in the mirror that makes us happy.

I used the phrase “come on skinny love” as a petty means to say that I want the small amount of love I still have for myself to come on. I need it. But no, that shred of love is slowly getting smaller day by day and oh how I wish it could grow. I hope, that somewhere in the back of my mind ive planted that seed sized love in my darkest thoughts so it can flourish into something beautiful. But the light can’t reach it yet…

Side note

So lately ive been feeling the cold a lot more as I’m writing this I’m wearing pyjamas, a huge jumper, slippers, gloves, my feet are on a hot water bottle and ive had the heating on full for 4 hours and my extremities are still cold (especially my feet which are usually numb). I have to wear two pairs of socks or long socks and my nails are purple. The other day I cried simply because I was so cold, it’s becoming unbearable.

My friend Ella who I wrote my post “platforms and puppets” about reckons I’m around 7 stone (I don’t own scales). I don’t think I am though but I can’t tell because all I see is fat which is beyond frustrating.

Nightmares are slowly returning and I’m hallucinating more frequently but I know that my visions are seldom what they seem. Although petrifying some are comical, a few weeks ago I thought a friend of mine was drunk in my bed, then she fell over and I told her to get out from under my bed ( I have underwear down there) and spent a few minutes feeling for her, then I thought “what if a murderer is there?” and then began to realize it was all in my head. Getting back to sleep after is easier said than done.

Modern Alice

As i reach almost 400 page views (a mini milestone, i'm proud) i owe my readers apologies for not posting frequently enough. I must find inspiration in the smaller things of my days, things that my eating disorder has made seem normal- and normality is scary.

Waking up in the morning with little will to move or start my day i am lifeless for those moments, moments when i listen to music and let it consume me wondering if the songwriter felt the same way i do, if they ever felt better or just kept sinking into the pool of curiosity which haunts me.

I loved Alice in Wonderland as a child, i still do. The novel is beautiful and something i can deeply relate to: A curious young girl finding her way in a strange place. Looking down on her story it seems enchanting, but to Alice it must of been intimidating;  perhaps someone is looking down on my story thinking how captivating it must be, that my natural wit will help me out of wonderland.

 If not i hope my Cheshire cat will guide me past the fork in the road because "we're all mad here, and i do no wish to be among mad people".

Platforms and Puppets

Susana and Ella, this post if for you both. A thank you for being so supportive.

Formally known as ‘lunykornio’ this ex moon unicorn lives in Spain, a city girl. With an incredible sense of style and a new name @nonbreak you make a statement: You will never break. Binge eating disorder? This is just a challenge for you. In your platform boots you will conquer anything, one step at a time.

Pale skinned, raven haired cello playing angel. You talk to me about your life and confess all. You cope with so much I’m honoured to be your friend.

With incredible English you make me feel important, at times beautiful and I wonder if I ever make you feel the same way. We don’t see our true reflection in the mirror but I see beauty in you and you see it in me.

“No girl sees it in herself I think. We don’t believe nice comments but we do when an idiot says the contrary. I’ve learnt to only listen to the opinions of my friends and family, it is selfish but it stops me getting hurt” – Susana.   

I must always remember those words.    

    

 How I wish I could meet you in person.

Ella, I noticed your ribs and you noticed my raw knuckles with this mutual understanding of what we do to ourselves our friendship boomed.

Ana had been controlling you, you were the puppet she was the puppeteer but it’s time for you to cut those strings.   

With such a witty sense of humour I hope you’re laughing through recovery. It’s not going to be easy. I know that, even though I do not face recovery at the moment I cannot comprehend how difficult this must be.

“You keep restricting for one reason: you are ill. You're very sick, both mentally and physically, and you can't stop without help. You're killing yourself, and the sooner you get the help you deserve, the better. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. I promise.” – Ella.

Tough love. But chummy that is something I truly believe in. It’s not every day I get told I’m killing myself but I am, I need to come to terms with it.

Recovery is imminent for me, you’re 3 steps ahead urging me on. Holding my hand soon we will be able to say in unison “I beat my eating disorder” and be proud.

You are a role model, supporting me even if the support you have yourself is weak. Putting others before yourself is how girls like us end up like this, learn to love your body, your being.

I am so proud of you. Not only me but ‘deep beanie headed lady’ is too ( Mary Lambert). You’re worth more than this disorder.

“Love your body the way your mother loved your baby feet

And brother, arm wrapping shoulders, and remember

This is important

You are worth more than who you fuck

You are worth more than a waistline

You are worth more than any naked body could proclaim

In the shadows, more than a man's whim

Or your father's mistake

You are no less valuable as a size 16, than a size 4

You are no less valuable as a 32a than a 36c

Your sexiness is defined by concentric circles within your wood

Wisdom

You are a goddamn tree stump with leaves sprouting out

Reborn”

"OK, it's not perfect, but perfection’s overrated"- Ella.

I'm a Mess, Dear Diary...

Is it bad that I just want to go into a deep hole with my duvet to cry and sleep? Maybe sometimes listening to sad songs to make me extra sad.

I’m not always sad, I don’t know if I’m even sad, but I’m know I’m not happy.  No one knows this, no one has ever delved into the depth on my mind to see what’s there. I don’t let them. My mind is not pretty or cute as I make myself out to be. I think horrible horrible things and I’m not proud of any of it. And it brings me down; the fact that I dwell on nothing and everything without being able to channel my thoughts. I’m a mess.

And I don’t let others worry about me, talking to a friend on facebook consisted of me briefly explaining an issue that makes me cry but ending the sentence with “but enough with my problems, is everything ok with you?”.

I’m afraid people will judge me for the things I think, so I carry on with my innocent persona.   

(copied and pasted from my diary)

Living with Edna: Fair

Saturday night i was lucky enough to go out with my boyfriend to a local fair but of course my mind wasn't quiet "66 calories plus 110 is 176 which leaves me a fairly normal person sized dinner..." "walk the long way around, burns more calories" which somewhat ruins the quality time with my boyfriend.
I couldn't share candy floss with him or chow on toffee apples. Instead i got bruises all over my body due to the hard seats on the rides which do not hurt, but look awful.  My fingernails turned navy blue and my low blood sugar meant i almost passed out on a ride called the "cage" which uses G force to pin you into place as you are 3 stories up parallel to the ground. Walking off of that ride shaking my boyfriend bought us chips to share (which i must admit made me feel 10 times better) but that only lead me to: A bag of crisps, bowl of noodles (with lots of veg) spring rolls, cheese cake, 3 croissants and more crisps. I was sleeping over at his house so i couldn't purge either :(

*sigh*

When i got home i drank two bottles of water and a cup of coffee before doing ab exercises and squats. I still feel guilty about it all.